explore-blog: Be All Your Selves – Joss Whedon’s fantastic 2013 Wesleyan Commencement Address on embracing our inner contradictions.  Thanks Joss Whedon. Your words are saving and making my life, all over again. To read this tonight is such perfect timing. I’ve been beating myself up for the last week - although a timely and overdue beating - which has left me exhausted and vulnerable. But something started to click for me this evening while I was at training. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough, so close to overcoming the despondent and detached mood I’ve been in for the best part of two months. It’s got a lot to do with emotionally connecting to and comprehending this: You have, which is a rare thing, that ability and the responsibility to listen to the dissent in yourself, to at least give it the floor, because it is the key — not only to consciousness, but to real growth. To accept duality is to earn identity. And identity is something that you are constantly earning. It is not just who you are. It is a process that you must be active in.- Joss Whedon Tonight, I am making an effort to use the expansive powers of my brain for clearer and kinder self-reflection. In my ruminations, I have made the unpleasant discovery that the characteristics I am most proud to possess - independence, persistence, confidence - are the same characteristics that stop me from truly living life the way my heart and mind intends. I am kinder to myself tonight because I am “accepting my duality” by taking full responsibility for these weaknesses. But I am also putting my hand up to move forward from here, to be a better friend, to set aside my own pride when the time is right, so that I am able to do the things that have always been hard for me to do: live the full truth of how I feel about the people most important to me.
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Be All Your Selves – Joss Whedon’s fantastic 2013 Wesleyan Commencement Address on embracing our inner contradictions. 

Thanks Joss Whedon. Your words are saving and making my life, all over again.

To read this tonight is such perfect timing. I’ve been beating myself up for the last week - although a timely and overdue beating - which has left me exhausted and vulnerable. But something started to click for me this evening while I was at training. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough, so close to overcoming the despondent and detached mood I’ve been in for the best part of two months. It’s got a lot to do with emotionally connecting to and comprehending this:

You have, which is a rare thing, that ability and the responsibility to listen to the dissent in yourself, to at least give it the floor, because it is the key — not only to consciousness, but to real growth. To accept duality is to earn identity. And identity is something that you are constantly earning. It is not just who you are. It is a process that you must be active in.
- Joss Whedon

Tonight, I am making an effort to use the expansive powers of my brain for clearer and kinder self-reflection. In my ruminations, I have made the unpleasant discovery that the characteristics I am most proud to possess - independence, persistence, confidence - are the same characteristics that stop me from truly living life the way my heart and mind intends.

I am kinder to myself tonight because I am “accepting my duality” by taking full responsibility for these weaknesses. But I am also putting my hand up to move forward from here, to be a better friend, to set aside my own pride when the time is right, so that I am able to do the things that have always been hard for me to do: live the full truth of how I feel about the people most important to me.

A lot of the characteristics that have helped me to do well in my work are the same traits that bring me down in other areas of my life. For example, I will begrudgingly admit to inheriting a deadly mix of my mum’s hot temper and my dad’s long memory. The combined qualities fuel my passionate and prolonged engagement in my work. But in my relationships, it can make me impulsive, aggressive, abrasive. I hold grudges. I rarely forget. I struggle to forgive others and, even more so, myself.

I expect an awful lot from myself. I push myself to rise to high standards with my work ethic, attention to detail, commitment to ongoing refinement. But when I don’t meet those standards in my personal conduct, it is a festering sore that heals ugly, and serves as a constant reminder of failure.

The thing is, I am not afraid of being wrong, of spectacular failures. Revealing myself to be a fool has given me access to opportunities that would never have arisen otherwise. But rather than dipping my toes, I dive. Both feet in, I commit to a direction for the reward of a clear outcome. At my worst, it makes me brash, thoughtless, inconsiderate. I step on toes, I offend. I crash my way through obstacles. I shoulder-charge my way through life, repeatedly. And while I reel from the pain of the accumulated impacts, I fail to recognise that I am charging right through my loved ones, justifying my means by many effective, though unpleasant, ends.

And it is effective. But it has never been elegant, never a beautiful solution.

I have worked so hard over the last few years to be authentic and act authentically. To me, that used to mean speaking out, being blunt to avoid ambiguity, and representing my viewpoint with unwavering confidence.

But I have reached the end of that path and now have a decision to make, to stay where I am or continue pursuing the next diverging road.

What is it that I want to be authentic to? I want to be authentic to who I am, the values I hold, the way I feel about the people I love. That is a truer form of authenticity than I have ever defined for myself.

So representing myself authentically is not about knee-jerk reactions, about being the decision-maker, about challenging others in order to bring about action or progress or change. It has to grow beyond the version of myself to which I’ve grown accustomed in recent years.

I have to practice thoughtfulness. Being observant. Knowing when to step back. Trusting in the way things can unfold when given some time.

Many of these traits are foreign to me now, but they were familiar once upon a time. They were familiar to the 11-year-old me, who got bullied for playing with the boys and not the girls, for being a know-it-all, for being shy. I looked at what I was, compared to what I wanted to be, and saw that reinvention was the only way forward. I abandoned those things that held me back from making friends, from enjoying school, from fully engaging in life. While I’ve most definitely matured in the 14 years since this turning point, I have remained much the same person (as much as I can gauge from self-evaluation). I think the reality is that it isn’t working anymore.

I’ve been taking a pretty hard look at myself over the last few weeks, and I see a lot of things that I don’t like. It’s a strange and uncomfortable realisation, because I have felt so assured, and frankly, so proud of myself for some time now. I think, at the heart of the matter, my persistent apathy and detachment stems from a crisis of identity.

Who I thought I was and who I really am are worlds apart.

Josh Pyke - “Fill You In”

And then the weatherman said to go back to bed
‘cause it’s a shame to go outside when the wind keeps howling now
So for a little while there I lived inside a cave.
And there were bears and bugs and leaves and love,
And a dark that only left you when the night came crawling home,
And I was happy there for a while until I woke one day to find

The roof had blown away
and the wind blew through me.
And then the very next day it began to rain,
and it rained right through me.

And then the lightning struck right beside my head,
and a branch fell down and came to rest upon my broken legs,
and to my surprise that bough began to grow.
And then the weatherman said to look at the sunset,
and if the sky was red, the very next day it would be dry instead,
and I was happy in the sun like a lazy one,
like a lazy one.

And then that broken bough, it began to grow,
and it grew right through me.
And then the very next day,
Well the grass did blade and it cut right through me.
And then a rabbit dug a tunnel right between my ribs, and she lived right through me.
And then a bird came and pecked at the space in my chest and then he flew right through me.

Now there’s a hole in the ground where I used to lay down,
and I can’t fill it in.
And there’s a colouring pad in the back of my head,
and I want to fill you in.
And I was nothing more than an impression of myself,
and I want to fill you in.
Yeah you could lay your body in the hollow where I used to be,
and you could fill me in.
And then that broken bough it began to grow, and it grew right through me.
And then the very next day I believed in something new, well, what can I say?
And then a bird came and pecked at the space in my chest and then he flew right through me.
And then a rabbit dug a tunnel right between my ribs and she lived right through me.

I’m a man, I’m a man, like I used to be,
I want to fill you in.
‘cause there’s hole in my chest where the animals lived,
and I want to fill you in.
And I do a very fine impression of myself,
and I want to fill you in.
‘cause there’s a colouring pad in the back of my head,
and I want to fill you in.

Incubus - 11am

7am
The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about
What I’ve thrown away

Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse, signifying the end
But I missed the best part
Could we please go back to the start?

Forgive my indecision

Then again
Then again
Then again
You’re always first when no one’s on your side but
Then again
Then again
Then again
A day will come when I want off that ride

11am
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I’ve made

But what did I find?
I never thought could want someone so much
‘cause now you’re not here
And I’m knee deep in that old fear

Forgive my indecision
I am only a man

Then again
Then again
Then again
You’re always first when no one’s on your side but
Then again
Then again
Then again
A day will come when I want off that ride

Jenny Owen Youngs - “Dissolve”

Tell them whatever you want
You and I know what happened here
Tell them whatever you want
We gave each other proof we were there

There’s nothing left of you
We sat and watched the glue
Dissolve

Ask me whatever you need
I’m just waiting to obey
Ask me for things you don’t see
I am living to repay

There’s nothing left of me
We sat and watched the glue
Dissolve

Greg Laswell - “The One I Love”

I’m all packed up now, early in the morning
I’ll take my leave
I’ll bring your words along with me
Maybe one day they will mean something
For now, they buzz and crumble down
A little bit too easily
From a time that I am not quite over
What the hell is wrong with me

I might be gone a little while
I guess we’ll see
I gotta make a home outta somewhere
And you’re all over this city
And it’ll take a flight to figure out
Where I’m gonna finally land
And in the time it takes for me to get there
I’ll be one to start again

But I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running
Running away from
The only thing I want
Yeah I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running
Running away from
The one I love

And if the plane lifts off, I’ll write you a letter
To say goodbye
And I will make it long, and maybe lie just a little
Tell you that I’m doing fine
And then I’ll send it out, and let things be
If not for you
For me, and for the time I’ve spent
Foolishly loving thee

But I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running
Running away from
The only thing I want
Yeah I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running
Running away from
The one I love

Arcade Fire - “The Suburbs”

Kids wanna be so hard
But in my dreams we’re still screamin’ and runnin’ through the yard
And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall
And all of the houses they built in the seventies finally fall
Meant nothin’ at all
Meant nothin’ at all
It meant nothin

Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m movin’ past the feeling
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m movin’ past the feeling and into the night

So can you understand?
Why I want a daughter while I’m still young
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before all this damage is done

But if it’s too much to ask, if it’s too much to ask
Then send me a son

Under the overpass
In the parking lot we’re still waiting
It’s already past
So move your feet from hot pavement and into the grass
Cause it’s already past
It’s already, already past

The Little Stevies - “Almighty Friend”

I will miss you greatly over summer
But when I return with a vengeance
I am sure you will have met the following criteria
You’ll be in a famous band
And have the hottest hunk of a boyfriend
And have a mighty fine tan
And have found another tea variety we can drink together
Because you better be ready for a big chat when I come back

Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend

And here’s a pot plant you can care for until I come back
‘cause I’m off overseas to care for the kids
Who don’t have what we have
And can you write to me
And tell me everything that’s been happening
And I’ll bring back a pair of shoes like you asked me to
And a whole lot of stories that I’ll make you sit through
And I’ll convince you
That you absolutely have to travel world
And do what crazy ladies do
Because I can tell that this travelling thing
Is gonna be for you

Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend

And it’s not long until I leave here indefinitely
I wanna see the whole world before I turn 23
And I wanna fall in love a few times
Before someone really takes me
And promise that you’ll never ever stop singing
And for god’s sake don’t let anyone stop you from believing
Because that dream of yours it just sounds so exciting
But for now I’m off to chase mine
So I’ll see you in a little while

Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend
Thank you for being my almighty friend

Josh Pyke - “The Doldrums”

I couldn’t tell you why
I’m never feeling satisfied
But every time the sun don’t shine
It makes me wanna run and hide
From the songs in my head

And here comes the rain again
She’s coming for to break the drought
But she’s such a cloudy friend
And she’s bringing forth a shadow of doubt

Ain’t it funny how, when you think,
That you’ve got it all figured out
That these things sometimes seem
Organised well in advance of me
Are the callings of my heart

So we hit the doldrums now
Sails hanging loose on the line
And we couldn’t sink or swim
Just praying for a merciful tide
With this song around my neck

Lull of the afternoon
And we’ve grown numb to the feel
So set navigation true
And I roped myself to the wheel
On this dried out sea, when you go
Well you go, you go, you go.

Jenny Owen Youngs - “Why You Fall”

Oh god it took a while to come right back to me
I’d give up anything if you’d just let me be
No use in shaking me just leave me in my bed
Cause mornings are the worst bit
Mornings drag me on ahead

I know I should have seen that hand behind your back
But I was busy launching my own full-scale heart attack
Yeah you sure taught me something when you took me down
Make the best of moments
Then make for higher ground

Don’t want to hear about the wind and how it blows
As far as I see love is just a hole.

Just like a tidal wave you crumble and divide
With no regard for all the shreds you’ve left behind
So now what can I do but tremble in your wake
Sorting things you’ve broken
From things you’ve yet to break

Don’t want to hear about some fate we can’t control
As far as I see love is just a hole
That’s why you fall

Working it out: 20/05/2013

Karate. Renraku omote, kata practise. Sensei David pulled myself and another 1st kyu karateka, Charlie, aside to tell us that we won’t be grading in June. No surprise, given that we only graded to 1st kyu in October last year. It has helped to re-focus my attention on the December grading, though, which is really not very far away.

In terms of where I want to be by the December grading, I have lots of room for improvement right now! WIth some travel and busy times at work on the horizon, I have to keep on top of my training. I’ve spent a lot of this year enjoying my social time and alone time, exploring my city as much as possible while I still can. But it’s time to bunker down now - from a training perspective, I often hit a lull with decreased loads and distracted training post-grading. No mid-year grading this year, so no excuse!