once again, i am wrestling with those old demons of self-doubt. it is becoming all too frequent. i tell myself out loud, and in my mind, that challenges have been faced and slayed before; far greater challenges than the ones i have encountered in my short life so far. but the questions keep rolling, and they make me feel lost and frustrated and inadequate.
now i face the challenge of beating down my own destructive thoughts. they are proving to be stubborn opponents.
on the whole, i’ve enjoyed coaching a lot over the past few years. i’ve made some mistakes, learnt a hell of a lot, and met some genuinely helpful and giving people along the way. there are days when it really brings you down a few notches. with so much energy and time and effort invested, it hurts to feel like you aren’t making a positive impression on your players.
i have so much respect for decent coaches everywhere, in any sport - and especially at the elite level. i feel that i do my best work as a coach when i let it consume me. when i put the time into finding solutions, finding a way to work issues through. the upside of it is that the payoff - the wins, qualifying for exclusive tournaments, finals, etc. - is amazing. it’s a great feeling to see the culmination of that hard work rewarded through the combined efforts of your players. the downside is that when things aren’t going so well - the losses, the bickering, and so on - it really hits you as a coach. you can’t just flip the switch and stop thinking about it, or stop feeling the frustration and disappointment. it engulfs you and i think only those who have ever coached with any intent understand this, more than any player or parent would understand it.
i like to think i’m a good coach. i like to think i have a lot to offer as a coach, and that i have helped to improve many of the players who i have coached in various teams. it’s my way to approach this environment with complete commitment and dedication, but there are times when it gets to be too much. this is a tough season, no doubt. we don’t have the luck to have some of the physical attributes of last season’s personnel (though last season was no easy trot, either). and coaching 12 year old boys who are turning 13 is tough in any circumstance! but i think i have had my fill for now. i know now that when disease sets in, you have to cut it out. if you can’t cut it out, it will spread and you will be left with very little to salvage.
i hope these players look back on this season in years to come, and recognise all the opportunities they were lucky enough to have, to learn and grow and become good young men and smart players. i hope these players take something out of this season that means more than qualifying for finals, or winning a certain number of games.
“i don’t mean to get all sentimental on you guys, but today i got a timely reminder that people have an incredible power to make other people genuinely happy through really simple acts. i hope i can extend that kinda feeling to the people in my life :)”—
THE ORIGINAL PLAN 7 months in europe, starting jan 2010: 4 months in france (3 months in bordeaux learning french, and 1 month road-tripping slowly up to paris) + 3 months backpacking around europe
…HOME in late july or early aug 2010.
THE LATEST PLAN (resulting from much persuasion from others to visit north america, and also due to dwindling funds) 6 weeks in the US/canada, starting jan 2010: a little east coast swing through new york, boston, memphis, down to miami; across the way through new orleans and many many places in texas; over to the west coast to visit san diego, LA, san fran, then up to portland and seattle; cross the border into canada and reverse the script (west coast to east coast) - vancouver, toronto, montreal, halifax? 3 months in the UK (mid feb-mid may 2010): earning monies, really. 4 months in europe (mid may-sept 2010): 2 months in bordeaux + 2 months backpacking.
…then HOME around the end of sept 2010.
thoughts? also, i’m pretty sure that THE LATEST PLAN is not any cheaper, and may actually be far more expensive than THE ORIGINAL PLAN. oops. also, i have no clue about visas so this might actually be impossible but whatever. i’m sure there is some sort of student/working visa to cover it, maybe, possibly. i think this requires a pro-con list, so says the rory gilmore inside of me. i didn’t mean for that to sound dirty.
when the day comes where i am rolling up to those pearly white gates in the sky, or whatever exists out there if there even is a heaven (let’s not get into this discussion with THISMUCHCAFFEINE in my system), i am pretty darn sure that that higher being is going to point and laugh at all these all-nighters i have pulled this year.
i think i am up to 6 for the year? i’ve lost count. you’re terrible, muriel.
this better be worth it, come oct/nov 2009. hanging out for christmas, and maybe, hopefully a trek around the world? i can only dream.
i’m going to be talking about this year-defining moment for a long time.
i just got done speaking with allison weiss. yeah, allison fucking weiss. here’s how it went down: i added a few funds to the a. weiss bank of new EP, and since i was the donor who pushed the total past the $2000 goal, i got to have a chat with the lady herself!
audio was taken of the conversation (will post the link when it becomes available), and true to form, i spent much of my time with allison rambling about things that no one really cares to know about (sorry allison fans). i really hope it doesn’t come across as severely as it is replaying in my head! whoops.
really honestly though, check out her tunes through her website. she’s on myspace, facebook, twitter, itunes, etc. etc. as well. her music is an infectious combination of great passion, lots of energy, and some pretty neat lyrics. hope to see her playing in melbourne someday!
so me and livejournal had a thing going on, starting a few years back. the love waned. i tried to revive that sucker recently, seemed like it was going well, but in the end it was just too much hard work. so here i am, on tumblr.
if you read my mindless blogs, please say hello. i like to think that someone, other than myself, is visiting to see what’s up. :)